Who Am I?

As I started this new blog I thought I'd post my last blog entry from my married blog.  I am quite proud of the entry, so I posted it- even though so much has changed since May.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about who I really am the past several years, and even more so in the last several months.  June 28, 2016 after 10 years of marriage my husband and I decided to get a divorce.  I don't feel like a lot of details are needed.  Suffice it to say I have given it my all the past 20 months after disaster struck, and it hasn't worked out.  I've learned that no matter how much you want something, you aren't always in control of all factors and outcomes. I am LDS and deeply believe in Christ. I believe that the power of His atonement can fully heal any hurt, fix any broken heart, and be a salve for a damaged soul. I'm so grateful for that knowledge and belief, as it has carried me forward with Faith through this hard situation.
Thankfully things are as amicable as possible, and the divorce will not be messy in many respects.  Since this has been a long time coming, we were hoping to waive the 90 day waiting period required by the state of Utah. Our request was denied and so I find myself in this strange limbo.  At first I was upset about the denial, but it has really turned into such a blessing.  It's been a time to sit with my thoughts, with my choices, with myself really and just be me. I've been taking time to reflect on why I am the way I am, what I like about myself, and ways I need to improve.
So who am I?
This is going to sound like I'm taking time to brag about how great I am, but I'm not.  I feel a little self introspection can go a long way in this journey, and it won't all be positive either, so bear with me.


*I am Loyal.  I have decided that about myself. I was looking over a list of qualities I asked my Dad to write about me about a year ago and he has loyal listed too.  I am fiercely loyal to those I love, sometimes undeservedly so. These are my brothers, some of the most important Men in my life:)








*I am Stubborn.  I don't like to give up on things. It kills me to even leave a movie or book unfinished, even if I don't find it THAT life changing or interesting.  This is a picture of me after my first half marathon.  I finished in a pretty good time, right on my goal! I've never been a long distance runner before, so this was huge!










*I am Spiritual.  Many people can go days or weeks without thinking deeply about spiritual things. I think daily of God and his gifts to me. He is constantly on my mind, and I'm continually thanking him for his creations, Spirit and blessings. During this past two devastating years, I've really leaned on my Faith to get me through, and I'm so grateful for it! This is a picture I took the day I received my Young Womanhood Medallion.  Even though it took me until I was 31 to get it, I did!

*I am a Dreamer. I get lost in my head frequently. I like spending time just thinking about different situations, scenarios, and conversations. I like daydreaming about my future.

*I am Hard on Myself.  I hold myself to a high standard that I know I am capable of. When I don't meet those expectations, whether it be in school, work, church or play- my attitude suffers with the disappointment.

*I am Kind. Am I perfect, NOOO!  I still have unkind thoughts about people, or situations all the time. But my actions are usually kind towards others, even if only outwardly. I try to realize that any unkindness I'm feeling is totally my bad, and so I try to keep it to myself.  Unless you push me too hard which leads me to my next one...

*I am Fiery.  If I feel unfairly dealt with or pushed I WILL push back. Over the past couple years I have definitely developed a sense of self preservation. I don't want to be walked all over or pushed around. I've learned to stick up for myself, but it can be intense if you get me to that point.  I will speak my mind!
*I am an Adventurer! I love getting out and experiencing the world. Whether it be a festival, a new activity, a new city or place, I'm in!

*I can be a homebody!  I know, it seems opposite of the last one right? I think most people can have opposite qualities.  As much as I love getting out and doing, I love me a snuggly night in front of the TV watching a movie or chatting.

So much of the last several months I've been re-evaluating my feelings of what I thought I knew.  It's amazing how shaky your foundation can become when things you have counted on as truth for so long, suddenly disappear into nothingness.  I have not had a crisis of Faith as you may be thinking, but rather a crisis of love, of heart, of loyalty.  I have realized that there are people that we can always count on through ups and downs, good times and bad.  That is family. That is God. That is Christ our Savior. As I've leaned on him and focussed on my blessings I have realized that my situation may change, my marital status, my last name, my address, but God will never change. He is unwavering in his support and love for me, and I am forever grateful. He is constant, and steady, things I desperately need right now.
So here's to more introspection, more experiences, more growth, and more Faith.  I'm all in!

Sometimes my writing helps me make sense of things in my life...

 
 I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything.  The past couple years have been a real struggle in my family.  Depression, anxiety, loss, and lack of commitment and trust have racked the very foundations of my marriage.  It has become so apparent to me that Satan is very real, and very intent on tearing families apart.  In the past I have loved recording our history, whether it is through blogging, taking pictures, or posting on social media.  Through these trials it has become more difficult to keep track of all of this, as pain and suffering tend to be more apparent. I don't want to put a smiling front up, when we are clearly not doing okay but I also want to celebrate the good days and good times we are having.  Thus the struggle of not knowing when to post, and not.
     The lessons I have personally learned over the last year are innumerable. I have fallen to my knees in desperation more times than I like to remember, but the thing I DO want to remember is that He is always there for me.  Heavenly Father has become a real strength and support to me through these my darkest times and helped me to feel loved, important and strong in times of extreme weakness and sadness.  Because of that close relationship I have also been shown my shortcomings and sins and had the opportunity to utilize the Atonement in my life in a very real way.  I don't want to forget these experiences or things that I am learning!  So I've decided to try to use this blog as a journal in a way, of the spiritual lessons and insights I gain.
   Today in Sunday School we were learning about Enos.  His is a very familiar story to me and I was really enjoying the insights others were sharing about his experience in the wilderness.  As I read to  myself Enos 1:8 I had a profound thought.  Enos has just been forgiven by the Lord of all his sins.  He felt his guilt be swept away and asked him, "Lord how is it done?"  Verse 8 states: "And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou has never before heard nor seen. And many years pass away before he shall manifest himself in the flesh;wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole."
   How many times have I read that verse before, and yet today it struck me with such force!
   In life there are few urges I have felt stronger than the need to feel whole.  I felt that need when I was in high school, wanting to have friends and feel accepted and included.  I felt that need when I was in the dating game wanting and feeling the need to find someone to marry, to tie myself to eternally and to find true, eternal love. I especially felt that need when yearning for a baby in my empty arms after a miscarriage and years of doctor appointments, tests and failures.  I felt that need when I realized my marriage was in trouble and that my constant and steady husband and I were struggling.  I think that I am not alone in this.  I think that we ALL have the need as humans to feel whole, to fit all of the intricate details of who we are, what we want for ourselves, and what is important to us, into a happy, healthy, whole version of ourselves.  And it is SO hard to do.  At least for me it has been.  I started to think of the other times I'd read that phrase in the scriptures. The same phrase was used many times by the Savior in his time here on earth, most often after he had physically healed someone.  He used it when he healed the woman with the issue of blood, when healing a blind man, and He said it to the leper who was the only one of the ten healed to come back and thank Him.
"Thy faith hath made thee whole."  In this journey Justin and I are going through currently, we are both on missions to find ourselves. To really get to know who we are, how we tick, and really what we want in this life.  As I have spent so much time thinking and reflecting on this subject lately, through scripture study, reading, pondering and counseling I have come realize that I need to be whole. Me. Myself. As much as I love, honor and respect my sweet husband, I am judged in this life separately.  Yes we help each other, yes it is a commandment to cleave unto him and none else, yes I cannot progress fully in His kingdom without a husband in the new and everlasting covenant.  But I myself am responsible for my choices, actions and feelings.  I need to be whole, and healthy on my own before I can expect to have a healthy marriage, or really any relationship.  And I am working on it.  Like I said I have come to rely on my Savior and Heavenly Father so much more in the past couple years, and I cling to my faith which is constantly growing.  Today I feel that I figured out a secret.  That faith that I cling to, that faith that gets me through my dark days, that faith that I have come to rely on, can and will make ME whole.  My Faith in Jesus Christ, my Savior and Redeemer is the ONLY way possible in this carnal, confusing world that I can truly feel whole.
   I am so grateful for this insight today.  I know this may seem so simple, but it really spoke to me.  I have tried to come to terms so many times with the fact that I may never have children to call my own in this life, and it has really struck me to my core that I don't know how to be okay with that.  It is such a righteous desire, and a commandment, yet I know that not everyone realizes that journey here in mortality.  As I have fought my depression and fear about this fact I knew that in order to be truly okay in this life, I had to come to terms with it.  Does that mean I have to give up hope, No! Does that mean that I'll ever stop wanting kids, No! But I know that if I lean on my faith in Jesus Christ, that I can be whole with or without kids, with or without friends, with or without a husband. I am so grateful that because of my Savior, I can be whole.
   Regardless of the fact that I can be whole without friends, a husband or children I am truly grateful for all my friends, family, husband and all the children I do have in my life.  My life is so blessed. I have so much to be thankful for everyday!