I've spent a lot of time thinking about who I really am the past several years, and even more so in the last several months. June 28, 2016 after 10 years of marriage my husband and I decided to get a divorce. I don't feel like a lot of details are needed. Suffice it to say I have given it my all the past 20 months after disaster struck, and it hasn't worked out. I've learned that no matter how much you want something, you aren't always in control of all factors and outcomes. I am LDS and deeply believe in Christ. I believe that the power of His atonement can fully heal any hurt, fix any broken heart, and be a salve for a damaged soul. I'm so grateful for that knowledge and belief, as it has carried me forward with Faith through this hard situation.
Thankfully things are as amicable as possible, and the divorce will not be messy in many respects. Since this has been a long time coming, we were hoping to waive the 90 day waiting period required by the state of Utah. Our request was denied and so I find myself in this strange limbo. At first I was upset about the denial, but it has really turned into such a blessing. It's been a time to sit with my thoughts, with my choices, with myself really and just be me. I've been taking time to reflect on why I am the way I am, what I like about myself, and ways I need to improve.
So who am I?
This is going to sound like I'm taking time to brag about how great I am, but I'm not. I feel a little self introspection can go a long way in this journey, and it won't all be positive either, so bear with me.*I am Loyal. I have decided that about myself. I was looking over a list of qualities I asked my Dad to write about me about a year ago and he has loyal listed too. I am fiercely loyal to those I love, sometimes undeservedly so. These are my brothers, some of the most important Men in my life:)
*I am Stubborn. I don't like to give up on things. It kills me to even leave a movie or book unfinished, even if I don't find it THAT life changing or interesting. This is a picture of me after my first half marathon. I finished in a pretty good time, right on my goal! I've never been a long distance runner before, so this was huge!
*I am Spiritual. Many people can go days or weeks without thinking deeply about spiritual things. I think daily of God and his gifts to me. He is constantly on my mind, and I'm continually thanking him for his creations, Spirit and blessings. During this past two devastating years, I've really leaned on my Faith to get me through, and I'm so grateful for it! This is a picture I took the day I received my Young Womanhood Medallion. Even though it took me until I was 31 to get it, I did!
*I am a Dreamer. I get lost in my head frequently. I like spending time just thinking about different situations, scenarios, and conversations. I like daydreaming about my future.
*I am Hard on Myself. I hold myself to a high standard that I know I am capable of. When I don't meet those expectations, whether it be in school, work, church or play- my attitude suffers with the disappointment.
*I am Kind. Am I perfect, NOOO! I still have unkind thoughts about people, or situations all the time. But my actions are usually kind towards others, even if only outwardly. I try to realize that any unkindness I'm feeling is totally my bad, and so I try to keep it to myself. Unless you push me too hard which leads me to my next one...
*I am Fiery. If I feel unfairly dealt with or pushed I WILL push back. Over the past couple years I have definitely developed a sense of self preservation. I don't want to be walked all over or pushed around. I've learned to stick up for myself, but it can be intense if you get me to that point. I will speak my mind!
*I am an Adventurer! I love getting out and experiencing the world. Whether it be a festival, a new activity, a new city or place, I'm in!*I can be a homebody! I know, it seems opposite of the last one right? I think most people can have opposite qualities. As much as I love getting out and doing, I love me a snuggly night in front of the TV watching a movie or chatting.
So much of the last several months I've been re-evaluating my feelings of what I thought I knew. It's amazing how shaky your foundation can become when things you have counted on as truth for so long, suddenly disappear into nothingness. I have not had a crisis of Faith as you may be thinking, but rather a crisis of love, of heart, of loyalty. I have realized that there are people that we can always count on through ups and downs, good times and bad. That is family. That is God. That is Christ our Savior. As I've leaned on him and focussed on my blessings I have realized that my situation may change, my marital status, my last name, my address, but God will never change. He is unwavering in his support and love for me, and I am forever grateful. He is constant, and steady, things I desperately need right now.
So here's to more introspection, more experiences, more growth, and more Faith. I'm all in!
